SELF DISCOVERY …….To thine own self be true…Shakespeare
To the “hard-core” quester for Self discovery, the goal is “awakening”, “realization”, “enlightenment”. Enlightened persons have told us that we can have the experience of being one with all creation, with Divinity. With the expansion of consciousness, we “remember” that we are eternal, a part of the sea of love from which all creation unfolds. This is the “mystic experience”. It is pure experience; thinking, reasoning, logic, have no place here in the absolute certainty of knowing. The depth of beauty, love, and bliss, is far beyond any sensory experiences. The “high” gradually subsides, and over time, the new consciousness becomes the norm. Thinking returns, and the ego is reborn; but if the individual has surrendered completely during the event, it is now observed as an “as if” identity. A role one can play or not, at will. There is a sense of duality; “little self” and “high Self” , “the Father and I are one”. If the experience is transformative enough, for the rest of one’s life there is a background consciousness of peace, freedom from fear, a quiet mind, and a deep “cosmic humor” that cannot take ego-life too seriously. In my case, the skeptical intellect is still alive, and can present logical arguments that refute the “reality” of the experience- that it is only brain phenomena, endorphins released by chemical and electrical changes in the brain, etc. What happens to “cosmic consciousness” when one is asleep, when one’s brain disintegrates from Alzheimer’s disease? Of course the brain is involved in our experience of being an individual person. I cannot give logical proofs for the reality of “enlightenment, but when I think of the intellect’s debunking there is a deep “chuckling” inside and a smile spreads across my face. Thinking pales in the light of “knowing”; the “heart” trumps the mind.
The obstacle to “realization” is identification with the ego-self. The person we think we are. This identification begins in early childhood, and we take it for granted. We have a sense of “I”, an awareness of self, and believe we are this individual person. “This is me; this person is who I am”. “How could I not be me?”.
I am a young boy. I am standing in the kitchen near my mother, who is washing the dishes. I think about the funeral, and how my great grandmother looked in the casket. Finally I ask “Will I have to die?” After a pause, my mother says “ yes, eventually; we all have to die, eventually. But you don’t have to worry, you have a long time to live. And, when you finally die, your soul will go to Heaven.” I think about this, then reply “what good will it do me if my soul goes to Heaven; I’ll still be dead!” Identification with my personal self-image was already complete. I had no sense of having a “soul”, let alone being one. An “angst”, an anxiety about my mortality, was planted in my unconscious and would motivate me to devote most of my life to a quest for an understanding of life. I sought “meaning” through a study of mythologies, religions, psychology, and the sciences. Eventually I would explore my potentials, and my mind. I learned a lot, but had no idea how strong my ego-defenses were; I could “talk the talk”, but did not fully understand what I was thinking, and saying. It took great losses and disillusionment to get me to the point of total surrender. Hopefully, many may get through the transformation with much less trauma, depending on the structure of their ego’s. As the sages have said, the intellectual is the “toughest nut to crack!”
The following poem flowed into my awareness almost complete, as if “channeled”. It was 1976, and I had been to a 10-day “human potentials” workshop presented by Drs. Jean Huston and Robert Masters. The theme for the workshop was the “Quest for the Holy Grail”, which we took as a metaphor for the quest for “enlightenment”. I have never considered myself to be a poet, but wanted a poem to include in a “thank you” note to Jean Huston, as I felt I had benefited greatly from the workshop. (Jean still offers great workshops and seminars, and I highly recommend them!). A couple years later, after my “metanoia, I had a deeper understanding of this poem.
The Quest
The saddle-weary knight surveyed the battle-littered ground.
Through grief-stained eyes and aching heart, defeat was all he found.
Spring flowers, crushed by armored feet, lay broken in the mud
where bodies, wet by crying rain had given up their blood.
A twisting trail of broken dreams had led him to this crest
where high-flung hopes and noble aims were finally laid to rest.
Ideals of Love and chivalry lay stained about his feet
the goal of higher, godlike man had fallen in defeat
beneath the swords of greed and hate, betrayed by Ego’s pride
and Eden’s gate still bolted stood, the Kingdom locked inside.
His youth was running down his face, at race with rain and tears;
his spirit sagged beneath the weight of fifty heavy years.
He let his tired horse go free, relieved of armor’s weight
and climbed the hill where he could see the castle, and its fate.
There lay his boyhood vision, a blackened, lifeless shell-
his golden dream of Camelot laid waste by flames from Hell.
At last he found the King he’d sought- cut down without a fight.
He’d died a frightened old man’s death, unlike a valiant knight.
The clouds of disillusionment swept in about his brain,
he screamed in anguished anger against the mindless rain
and tore away the sacred cross embroidered on his vest,
then trampled it into the mud that smothered out his quest.
From deep inside, he vomited all feelings, rage, and strife,
surrendered to the dark Unknown his name, his god, his life.
Then, as the sun broke through the mists and touched his sleeping face,
he wakened to a magic world of love, and peace, and grace.
He looked across the battlefield that still held death and hate,
but saw it now through wider eyes that opened Eden’s gate!
And in his weeping, soaring, joy we’ll leave him and his tale;
by giving up all he held dear, he finally found the Grail.
Do you catch a similar meaning in Kahlil Gibran’s great poem “Love”, from “The Prophet”?
(I consider his term “Love” to mean “awakening”, “enlightenment”).
“When Love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you,
And when he speaks to you, believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as Love crowns you so shall he
crucify you. Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver
in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.
…………….All these things shall Love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment
of Life’s heart!……
